I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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