i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
