It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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