I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
