All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
