I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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