I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
