If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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