Pappa wants mamma naked
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
