Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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