i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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