also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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