i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Randomize
