I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
