Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
