Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
