Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
