They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
