Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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