ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
