In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
