we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
