I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
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Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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