i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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