just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
