I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
