Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
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He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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