I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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