Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
