you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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