Im at strip club and am horny
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
