I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
