I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I deserve this hangover.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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