dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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