M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
