I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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