Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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