Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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