I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
