I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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