so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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