We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
