i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
