billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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