so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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