first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize