Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Randomize
