sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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