This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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