4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
