We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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