i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
