He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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