I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
