Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
