so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
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Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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