birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
