i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
